I need to
vent somewhere so why not here, on the interwebs, where the entire world can
find it, but I know that no one will.
The thing
that I think is the worst is the fact that you were the person I told
EVERYTHING to. And now I don’t. I don’t want to. And yet I do. It’s become such
a habit to tell you about my day; the funny things, the crazy things, the random
thoughts that just pop into my brain. But now I don’t feel like wasting the
breath. And at the exact same time, I hurt because I effectively have no one to
tell. I don’t feel like going into the whys. I don’t feel like explaining. I
want to move on and get past all of this, but I will never be able to, not completely.
I wish I had
been worth your time. I wish that I had been worth loving. I wish that I hadn’t
believed every sickening lie you told me. I almost wish I could erase the time.
There is only one reason that I wouldn’t and that reason trumps everything and
is even worth all of the pain. I would just like to know what I did. You always
told me I was a good person. If I was such a good person, I would have been
worth the effort. You were always worth the effort to me. My feelings never wavered,
not once. I was committed. I never looked the other direction. I never risked
it. In some ways, I wish I would have walked out the first time I had the
chance. Again, that one reason is why I’m glad I didn’t. But the warning signs
were there years ago. If I had trusted my gut, I wouldn’t be feeling this way
today. I wouldn’t have gone through years and years of lies. I wouldn’t wonder
if I can ever trust again. Can I trust again? Will I ever be able to let my
exterior down again? It’s lonely, living like this. I don’t talk to people
because I always talked to you. Even when I try to reach out, I don’t get a
response. I didn’t purposely do anything wrong, and yet they all seem to side
with you.
